Sun Rises in the West by David Haldiman

Political Dialogue in the U.S., circa November 2010

1. Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell appears on a Sunday morning political talk show and announces that the Earth is the center of the solar system. Any sensible American should see that. Why else would the sun circle around us the way it does? The program’s host treats this utterance as provocative and new, as if there had never been Copernicus, Galileo or grade school science classes. Before any critical discussion of this notion can begin, the host regrets that they’re out of time. Tune in next week for an exclusive with John McCain (for the 22nd time this year).

2. On Monday, every Fox News personality jumps on the geocentric bandwagon and flogs the story for all it’s worth. For the next three days an array of military, economic and political experts comment on how this momentous development affects national security and financial markets, and raises again the possibility that Democratic voters could well be under the influence of daily bursts of radio waves sent by brown-skinned space aliens, intent on taking over the Earth.

On Tuesday, the House Republican Caucus demands that the broadcast licenses of all NPR member stations be immediately revoked, citing dire national security concerns.

Markos Moulitsas and Congressman Raul Grijalva suggest that McConnell is either lying or a dolt. When asked about this at a White House press conference, Robert Gibbs grimaces and shakes his head, saying that Grijalva and Moulitsas aren’t helping things at all with their negativity. He cracks a joke at their expense and moves on to the next question.

3. CNN reports the controversy. Even their flashy graphics avoid any definitive content, showing cosmic bodies spinning around one another without actually placing any of them in the center. Commentator Erick Erickson responds to a statement by Stephen Hawking, pointing out that geocentrism had been scientifically debunked more than 300 years ago, by calling Hawking “just a drooling cripple.” James Carville notes that he, personally, is drooling at the memory of them deelishus sun-dried shrimp he so loved as a boy. CNN incessantly polls its viewers for their opinions on where they think the sun rises, collating the results by employment status and which direction their bedroom windows face.

James Inhofe becomes the talk of the Washington media when he threatens to shut down the Senate unless there immediately are hearings into how much federal funding heliocentric astronomers in the U.S. have received. Harry Reid appears on C-Span 2 at 6 pm on Friday. Before an empty Senate chamber he clears his throat, vigorously shakes an index finger, as if trying to dislodge a booger, then disappears into the cloakroom for two weeks of discussions with "centrist" lawmakers.

4. On Saturday, many dozens of listeners to the President’s weekly radio address hear Obama say that while he personally believes that the sun rises in the east, this controversy offers us an opportunity to join together in a national discussion. A nation as great as ours should be able to find common ground on which to sit together and view the sunrise -- perhaps to the south?

5. On yet another Sunday political chat show, Michelle Bachmann reveals that this Christmas, the White House plans to hand out sex toys carved with Obama’s likeness, made in Mexico from the thigh bones of slain U.S. boarder patrol agents. But that’s all the time we have for this week.